- April 5th, 16:32
my mother, un-mothered
learned all the tricks from her nanny
a brusque czech woman, never married,
perennial hanky always up her sweater sleeve
my mother soaked her hairbrush in ammonia
my mother put mentholatum up her nose
constantly...a gross embarrassment
my mother cleaned the tub
with a sprinkle of comet,
flipping the dishrag around
as if holding a dead fish
a task she detested quickly done
with no obvious results.
my mother caught a man with me
seeking a daddy for herself, she
failed to realize that baby makes three.
her brief flush of attention faded fast
then vanished with my birth.
a babe with a babe to care for,
a daddy kind to his young daughter
childish envy soured her milk and her marriage,
her life forever seeking that baby-love .. total
bliss that she could have no more. a woman grown
- as she appeared - her needs unfulfilled
by everyman ... try try again.
i have two siblings i have never met;
her failed machinations - lessons unlearned
constant craving created other children,
given away through proper channels
in the guise of lingering appendicitis,
at a time when unmarried remained
unsullied .. condemned women with
their profane bastards concealed
the gossip-mongers silent.. etiquette's
balance re-gained... yet
i am another un-mothered child.
my father loved me, but left her-
facts children cannot begin to fully
comprehend; a tragic misunderstanding
on twisted pathways post-divorce.
in myriad ways, i sought love -
unavailable - conditional
disasters that marred my heart.
worthless, an unperson to
gratify selfish needs without
expressing my own suffering -
the only way i knew to love
fulfilled by low expectations
and a child's blind trust.
i am mother to myself
i flip the washcloth 'round the tub.
in my inadequate housework, find no compunctions.
i read and read, and write and write
as i please. i care for myself in better ways,
this eccentric life fits like an old slipper
and convention is just a word i rarely consider
in my laughing life. self-love renewed, proven
evidence of a silk ear from a sow's purse
shining in life's Light.